Jan 30, 2007
Funny Docs
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Fun at work
Rules For Work:
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
5. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
6. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
7. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
8. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
9. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
10. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
5. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
6. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
7. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
8. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
9. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
10. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
Jan 27, 2007
Funny Signs
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
At a teriyaki restaurant: "$3.99 Chicken Bowel!"
In a Vermont men's store: "25 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ears pierced"
In a Mall: "Ears pierced, while you wait"
In a New Jersey store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
Seen on a Taco Bell sign in Coralville, Iowa: "Everyday low value"
In a Maine restaurant: "At your service: Open 7 days a week and weekends."
On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."
In the vestry of a Westminster church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In an Ohio cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
In Vancouver, British Columbia, on a folding sign in front of a small language school: "English Tootering"
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
In a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
At a teriyaki restaurant: "$3.99 Chicken Bowel!"
In a Vermont men's store: "25 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ears pierced"
In a Mall: "Ears pierced, while you wait"
In a New Jersey store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
Seen on a Taco Bell sign in Coralville, Iowa: "Everyday low value"
In a Maine restaurant: "At your service: Open 7 days a week and weekends."
On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."
In the vestry of a Westminster church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In an Ohio cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
In Vancouver, British Columbia, on a folding sign in front of a small language school: "English Tootering"
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
In a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
Funny pick up lines
Let's go behind that rock, and get a little boulder.
You look a lot like my future wife.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking you out.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Without my glasses, you couldn't pass for a female.
You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.
What do you like for breakfast?
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
I want to call your mother and thank her.
Your daddy must be a thief, because he stole the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes.
That outfit would look great crumpled up on the floor at the foot of my bed.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
You look a lot like my future wife.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking you out.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Without my glasses, you couldn't pass for a female.
You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.
What do you like for breakfast?
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
I want to call your mother and thank her.
Your daddy must be a thief, because he stole the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes.
That outfit would look great crumpled up on the floor at the foot of my bed.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
Jan 24, 2007
Funny News
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies
Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter
Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do Better
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While
War Dims Hope for Peace
Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
New Housing for Elderly Not Yet Dead
Man is Fatally Slain
Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter
Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do Better
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While
War Dims Hope for Peace
Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
New Housing for Elderly Not Yet Dead
Man is Fatally Slain
fun at work
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.
Jan 22, 2007
Funny News
Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Police Found Safe Under Blanket
William Kelly Was Fed Secretary
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over
NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach
Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden
Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors
The Governor's Pen Is Busy (without the space between the 3rd and 4th words)
Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Police Found Safe Under Blanket
William Kelly Was Fed Secretary
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over
NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach
Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden
Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors
The Governor's Pen Is Busy (without the space between the 3rd and 4th words)
Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Funny One Liners
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?
Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
What a cruel idea it was to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?
Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
What a cruel idea it was to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Jan 20, 2007
Fun at Work
To err is human, to blame someone else shows real management potential.
What if they held a meeting - and nobody came? Would nothing still get done?
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he / she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
What if they held a meeting - and nobody came? Would nothing still get done?
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he / she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
Funny Headlines
Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years
Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved
MacArthur Flies Back to Front
Deer Kill 17,000
Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains
New Vaccine To Contain Rabies
Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out"
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Bridge Held Up By Red Tape
Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
British Left Waffles on Falklands
Schwarzenegger Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead
New Vaccine May Contain AIDS
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Hospitals Sued By Seven Foot Doctors
Expert Says Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked By Board
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
Supreme Court Rules that Murderers shall not be electrocuted twice for the same Crime
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate
Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved
MacArthur Flies Back to Front
Deer Kill 17,000
Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains
New Vaccine To Contain Rabies
Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out"
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Bridge Held Up By Red Tape
Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
British Left Waffles on Falklands
Schwarzenegger Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead
New Vaccine May Contain AIDS
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Hospitals Sued By Seven Foot Doctors
Expert Says Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked By Board
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
Supreme Court Rules that Murderers shall not be electrocuted twice for the same Crime
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate
Jan 18, 2007
Funny pick up lines
Mind if I talk to you until it's safe down there where I farted?
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Would you like Gin and Platonic, or Scotch and Sofa?
When God said, "Let there be woman," he created you.
Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are HOT!
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see around here.
You sure have a great looking tooth.
Are you religious? You're the answer to my prayers.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
My friend wants to know if you were born in those jeans.
Your place or your place? Because my place is a dump!
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
Falling for you would be a very short trip.
Don’t stop! I don’t usually get to see beauty in motion.
Do you know why the sky is so gray? All the blue is in your eyes.
You’re so fine, you make me want to go out and get a job.
Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve met you only in my dreams.
Those must be space pants, 'cause your butt is out of this world!
I think I’ve just found the angel I’d like to be touched by.
Can I lick that film off your teeth?
Don't be so picky....I wasn't!
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Would you like Gin and Platonic, or Scotch and Sofa?
When God said, "Let there be woman," he created you.
Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are HOT!
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see around here.
You sure have a great looking tooth.
Are you religious? You're the answer to my prayers.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
My friend wants to know if you were born in those jeans.
Your place or your place? Because my place is a dump!
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
Falling for you would be a very short trip.
Don’t stop! I don’t usually get to see beauty in motion.
Do you know why the sky is so gray? All the blue is in your eyes.
You’re so fine, you make me want to go out and get a job.
Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve met you only in my dreams.
Those must be space pants, 'cause your butt is out of this world!
I think I’ve just found the angel I’d like to be touched by.
Can I lick that film off your teeth?
Don't be so picky....I wasn't!
funny answering machines
This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the new millennium. You know what to do.
Surprisingly, you have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway.
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Tony's Pizza. It's not the beauty shop either, and no one named Pamela lives here. You can leave a message though.
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Leave your message.
You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the new millennium. You know what to do.
Surprisingly, you have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway.
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Tony's Pizza. It's not the beauty shop either, and no one named Pamela lives here. You can leave a message though.
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Leave your message.
Jan 17, 2007
funny one liners
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Can a blind person feel blue?
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?
Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Can a blind person feel blue?
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?
Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Jan 16, 2007
funny one liners
They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.
Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.
I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.
He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.
I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.
I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.
He was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Gun Control: Use both hands.
Remember: First you pillage then you burn.
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.
Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.
I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.
He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.
I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.
I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.
He was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Gun Control: Use both hands.
Remember: First you pillage then you burn.
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
Jan 15, 2007
Funny Answering Machine msgs
Hello, you have reached 987-6543. Please press one for English, 2 for English, or better yet: call back when you speak English! (thanks to Kathy Ziemer)
Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call even sooner!
Hi! This is Jim. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hello. I am Bill's answering machine. Who or what are you?
Hi! Jill's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with a magnet.
Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need a magazine subscription, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are already clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still listening, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi! I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi! This is Frank. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hi! If you are a burglar, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."
These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!
Hello, this is Jack. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
You have reached 555-6238. Why did you call?
Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call even sooner!
Hi! This is Jim. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hello. I am Bill's answering machine. Who or what are you?
Hi! Jill's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with a magnet.
Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need a magazine subscription, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are already clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still listening, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi! I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi! This is Frank. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hi! If you are a burglar, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Hello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."
These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!
Hello, this is Jack. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
You have reached 555-6238. Why did you call?
Jan 14, 2007
More Funny One Liners
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Contents may have settled out of court.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Contents may have settled out of court.
funny joke
The Clown noticed that his dog had become lethargic, lazy, and fat. Being a considerate pet owner, the clown took his beloved pet to the veterinarian. After some initial confusion about whether the veterinarian ate meat, the clown described his problem to the doctor.
The veterinarian explained that there was nothing seriously wrong with the clown’s pet dog, and that it simply needed some exercise.
“You need to make sure this dog runs around,” the doctor said. “Try playing a game of fetch with him.”
This news saddened the clown immensely.
“I can’t play fetch with my dog!” said the clown, holding back tears.
“Why not?” asked the doctor.
The clown replied, “Don’t be silly! He can’t throw!”
Jan 13, 2007
funny one liners
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
Half the people in the world are below average.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh
You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.
Save the whales: collect the whole set .
I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead.
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
Half the people in the world are below average.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh
You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.
Save the whales: collect the whole set .
I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead.
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Funny One Liners
Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.
Why do you press harder on the buttons when the battery in the remote control is dead?
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.
Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
If at first you don't succeed, try left field.
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.
If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can’t fix it, so I'm moving to New York.
I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don’t ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7. 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.
I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.
Why do you press harder on the buttons when the battery in the remote control is dead?
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.
Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
If at first you don't succeed, try left field.
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.
If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2?
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can’t fix it, so I'm moving to New York.
I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don’t ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
George Bush has been working hard, 24 / 7. 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.
I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
Jan 12, 2007
Funny SMS
It's important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is great in the sack. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet!
Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!!
Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all
Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster
A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home
The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?
i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window... I look down & den... i laugh again
Im not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep.Im not half as thunk as u drink.I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get
MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS START WITH MEN??
This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat! NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!
Wot letters r missin in H__RT? EA or U? Pick EA & u get a heart!if u pick U,u will get hurt! I'd pick U coz it's better to get hurt than have a heart without U!
I have the "I".I have the "L".I have the "O".I have the "V".I have the "E"... so pls can I have "U"?
This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number.We are truly sorry for the inconvenience
I wanted to send u something nice that would make u smile but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox!
I saw sumthing in da shop window 2day.It was stunning sexy cute beautiful & adorable.I was supposed 2buy it4u till i realised it was my own REFLECTION
Those innocent eyes... Those kissable lips... A great smile... The perfect walk... Smoothest talk... Absolutely gorgeous.. Thats enough bout me-How r u?
Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!!
Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all
Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster
A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home
The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?
i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window... I look down & den... i laugh again
Im not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep.Im not half as thunk as u drink.I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get
MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS START WITH MEN??
This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat! NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!
Wot letters r missin in H__RT? EA or U? Pick EA & u get a heart!if u pick U,u will get hurt! I'd pick U coz it's better to get hurt than have a heart without U!
I have the "I".I have the "L".I have the "O".I have the "V".I have the "E"... so pls can I have "U"?
This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number.We are truly sorry for the inconvenience
I wanted to send u something nice that would make u smile but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox!
I saw sumthing in da shop window 2day.It was stunning sexy cute beautiful & adorable.I was supposed 2buy it4u till i realised it was my own REFLECTION
Those innocent eyes... Those kissable lips... A great smile... The perfect walk... Smoothest talk... Absolutely gorgeous.. Thats enough bout me-How r u?
Jan 10, 2007
Jan 7, 2007
more fun bumpers
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils — people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!
So you're kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.
Honk if you hate peace and quiet.
I have the body of a god. Buddha.
In case of rapture, can I have your car?
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Your stupid!
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.
Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Worry. God knows all about you.
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop!
Vote Democrat — it's easier than working!
Vote Republican — it's easier than thinking!
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Squirrels: Nature's speed bumps.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils — people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!
So you're kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.
Honk if you hate peace and quiet.
I have the body of a god. Buddha.
In case of rapture, can I have your car?
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Your stupid!
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.
Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.
If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Worry. God knows all about you.
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop!
Vote Democrat — it's easier than working!
Vote Republican — it's easier than thinking!
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Squirrels: Nature's speed bumps.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Jan 5, 2007
more funny bumpers
I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
I always miss my wife.....but now my aim is getting better.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
In dog years, I'm dead!
South Korea's got Seoul!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
IRS: Be Audit You Can Be
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
A day without sunshine is like night.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Old age comes at a bad time.
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Hang up and drive.
Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
I fish, therefore I lie.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Honk If you want to see my finger.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
I always miss my wife.....but now my aim is getting better.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
In dog years, I'm dead!
South Korea's got Seoul!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
IRS: Be Audit You Can Be
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
A day without sunshine is like night.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Old age comes at a bad time.
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Hang up and drive.
Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
I fish, therefore I lie.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Honk If you want to see my finger.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Jan 4, 2007
More Bumper Stickers
On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
On your mark, get set, go away!
What would Scooby do?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Let's skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.
If you can read this, you're not the president.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Liberal Arts major: will think for food.
Visualize Whirled Peas
If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
I didn't climb all the way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
What we need is a patch for stupidity!
Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!
Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
If you can't read this, thank the teacher's union.
Procrastinate now.
The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.
Rehab is for quitters.
My dog can lick anyone!
I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names.
I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun!
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Mop and Glo - The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
You - Off my planet.
If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
There's no place like 127.0.0.1
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
On your mark, get set, go away!
What would Scooby do?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Let's skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.
If you can read this, you're not the president.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Liberal Arts major: will think for food.
Visualize Whirled Peas
If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
I didn't climb all the way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
What we need is a patch for stupidity!
Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!
Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
If you can't read this, thank the teacher's union.
Procrastinate now.
The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.
Rehab is for quitters.
My dog can lick anyone!
I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names.
I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun!
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Mop and Glo - The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
You - Off my planet.
If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
There's no place like 127.0.0.1
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
Jan 3, 2007
Jan 2, 2007
Funny bumpers
i'm not driving fast, i'm flying low !
Just say NO to negativity
I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure.
I've heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.
Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).
The bigger the hat, the better the cowboy.
I feel better after I wine a little.
I'm still a hot babe, but now it comes in flashes.
National Spellling Bee Runer-Up
The Moral Majority is neither.
Dyslexics Untie!
Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!
When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
In case of rapture, can I have your car?
I'm pink, therefore I'm SPAM.
I poke badgers with spoons.
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered.
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help.
If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister.
I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!
Excess is never too much in moderation.
My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
Think globally, Act galactically.
My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.
If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Don't believe everything you think.
Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
Life is short. So buy the shoes!
Never believe generalizations.
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
I don't think, therefore I am not.
Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.
Avoid alliterations always.
Dyslexics are teople poo.
Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
What would Ashton do?
Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
What would Gandalf do?
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.
Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still.
MOP AND GLO - The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The control key on the keyboard does not work.
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Nuke the Whales! We'll hunt them at night.
Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?
Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.
Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
What wouldn't Jesus do?
If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.
Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.
I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.
So many cats, so few recipes.
Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Just say NO to negativity
I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure.
I've heard about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.
Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).
The bigger the hat, the better the cowboy.
I feel better after I wine a little.
I'm still a hot babe, but now it comes in flashes.
National Spellling Bee Runer-Up
The Moral Majority is neither.
Dyslexics Untie!
Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!
When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
In case of rapture, can I have your car?
I'm pink, therefore I'm SPAM.
I poke badgers with spoons.
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered.
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help.
If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister.
I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!
Excess is never too much in moderation.
My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
Think globally, Act galactically.
My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.
If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Don't believe everything you think.
Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
Life is short. So buy the shoes!
Never believe generalizations.
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
I don't think, therefore I am not.
Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.
Avoid alliterations always.
Dyslexics are teople poo.
Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
What would Ashton do?
Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
What would Gandalf do?
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.
Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still.
MOP AND GLO - The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The control key on the keyboard does not work.
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Nuke the Whales! We'll hunt them at night.
Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?
Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.
Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
What wouldn't Jesus do?
If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.
Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.
I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.
So many cats, so few recipes.
Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
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