Feb 6, 2007
Funny One Liners
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.
I like my women how I like my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table.
I used to be an atheist, but then I realized I'm God.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don't go to those meetings.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat.
A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are.
If bald people get hit on the head, do they get hairline fractures?
Don't look at me with that tone of voice.
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
Men are like parking spaces - the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
I am having an out of money experience.
Smoking is a dying art
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.
I like my women how I like my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table.
I used to be an atheist, but then I realized I'm God.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don't go to those meetings.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat.
A picture is worth 500 to 1500 words depending on how good looking you are.
If bald people get hit on the head, do they get hairline fractures?
Don't look at me with that tone of voice.
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
Men are like parking spaces - the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
I am having an out of money experience.
Smoking is a dying art
funny business
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
Any design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you no longer need it; are in the middle of something else; or don't want it to be fixed because now you don't want to do what you were supposed to do.
Any design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
If there is ever the possibility of several things to go wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If something breaks, and it stops you from doing something, it will be fixed when you no longer need it; are in the middle of something else; or don't want it to be fixed because now you don't want to do what you were supposed to do.
Feb 2, 2007
funny one liners
I may look stupid, but it's hereditary.
Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone!
Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.
I sat in line at the drive through window. The plump employee opens the window and says, "Sorry about the weight!"
My wife and I were told we couldn't have children - by our landlord.
Man: "Doctor, I think I'm a dog." Psychiatrist: "Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch." Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!"
I videotape my children a lot - because I think they're stealing from us.
You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes!
One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so we marched back to the mall - and we went to the jewelry store.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
In high school, my school team was the "Fighting Indians". The mascot would dance around before each game. All of our games were rained out.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.
A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
When I was younger, I used to play doctor with this girl in my neighborhood. We got caught, but I'm lucky it was on a Wednesday. We were just playing golf.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.
Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone!
Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.
I sat in line at the drive through window. The plump employee opens the window and says, "Sorry about the weight!"
My wife and I were told we couldn't have children - by our landlord.
Man: "Doctor, I think I'm a dog." Psychiatrist: "Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch." Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!"
I videotape my children a lot - because I think they're stealing from us.
You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes!
One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so we marched back to the mall - and we went to the jewelry store.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
In high school, my school team was the "Fighting Indians". The mascot would dance around before each game. All of our games were rained out.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.
A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
When I was younger, I used to play doctor with this girl in my neighborhood. We got caught, but I'm lucky it was on a Wednesday. We were just playing golf.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.
funny business
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost.
If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
New systems generate new problems.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book - even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the manufacturer and impossible for the serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and will cost the most.
If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
New systems generate new problems.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book - even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the manufacturer and impossible for the serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and will cost the most.
Feb 1, 2007
funny docs
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Jan 30, 2007
Funny Docs
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Fun at work
Rules For Work:
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
5. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
6. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
7. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
8. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
9. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
10. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
5. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
6. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
7. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
8. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
9. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
10. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
12. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
Jan 27, 2007
Funny Signs
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
At a teriyaki restaurant: "$3.99 Chicken Bowel!"
In a Vermont men's store: "25 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ears pierced"
In a Mall: "Ears pierced, while you wait"
In a New Jersey store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
Seen on a Taco Bell sign in Coralville, Iowa: "Everyday low value"
In a Maine restaurant: "At your service: Open 7 days a week and weekends."
On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."
In the vestry of a Westminster church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In an Ohio cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
In Vancouver, British Columbia, on a folding sign in front of a small language school: "English Tootering"
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
In a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
At a teriyaki restaurant: "$3.99 Chicken Bowel!"
In a Vermont men's store: "25 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ears pierced"
In a Mall: "Ears pierced, while you wait"
In a New Jersey store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
Seen on a Taco Bell sign in Coralville, Iowa: "Everyday low value"
In a Maine restaurant: "At your service: Open 7 days a week and weekends."
On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."
In the vestry of a Westminster church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In an Ohio cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
In Vancouver, British Columbia, on a folding sign in front of a small language school: "English Tootering"
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
In a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
Funny pick up lines
Let's go behind that rock, and get a little boulder.
You look a lot like my future wife.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking you out.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Without my glasses, you couldn't pass for a female.
You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.
What do you like for breakfast?
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
I want to call your mother and thank her.
Your daddy must be a thief, because he stole the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes.
That outfit would look great crumpled up on the floor at the foot of my bed.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
You look a lot like my future wife.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking you out.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Without my glasses, you couldn't pass for a female.
You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.
What do you like for breakfast?
Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
I want to call your mother and thank her.
Your daddy must be a thief, because he stole the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes.
That outfit would look great crumpled up on the floor at the foot of my bed.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
Jan 24, 2007
Funny News
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies
Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter
Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do Better
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While
War Dims Hope for Peace
Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
New Housing for Elderly Not Yet Dead
Man is Fatally Slain
Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter
Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do Better
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While
War Dims Hope for Peace
Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
New Housing for Elderly Not Yet Dead
Man is Fatally Slain
fun at work
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.
Jan 22, 2007
Funny News
Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Police Found Safe Under Blanket
William Kelly Was Fed Secretary
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over
NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach
Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden
Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors
The Governor's Pen Is Busy (without the space between the 3rd and 4th words)
Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Police Found Safe Under Blanket
William Kelly Was Fed Secretary
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over
NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach
Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden
Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors
The Governor's Pen Is Busy (without the space between the 3rd and 4th words)
Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Funny One Liners
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?
Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
What a cruel idea it was to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?
Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
What a cruel idea it was to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Jan 20, 2007
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