Feb 2, 2007
funny one liners
I may look stupid, but it's hereditary.
Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone!
Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.
I sat in line at the drive through window. The plump employee opens the window and says, "Sorry about the weight!"
My wife and I were told we couldn't have children - by our landlord.
Man: "Doctor, I think I'm a dog." Psychiatrist: "Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch." Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!"
I videotape my children a lot - because I think they're stealing from us.
You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes!
One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so we marched back to the mall - and we went to the jewelry store.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
In high school, my school team was the "Fighting Indians". The mascot would dance around before each game. All of our games were rained out.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.
A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
When I was younger, I used to play doctor with this girl in my neighborhood. We got caught, but I'm lucky it was on a Wednesday. We were just playing golf.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.
Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone!
Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.
I sat in line at the drive through window. The plump employee opens the window and says, "Sorry about the weight!"
My wife and I were told we couldn't have children - by our landlord.
Man: "Doctor, I think I'm a dog." Psychiatrist: "Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch." Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!"
I videotape my children a lot - because I think they're stealing from us.
You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes!
One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so we marched back to the mall - and we went to the jewelry store.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
In high school, my school team was the "Fighting Indians". The mascot would dance around before each game. All of our games were rained out.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.
A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
When I was younger, I used to play doctor with this girl in my neighborhood. We got caught, but I'm lucky it was on a Wednesday. We were just playing golf.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.
funny business
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost.
If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
New systems generate new problems.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book - even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the manufacturer and impossible for the serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and will cost the most.
If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
New systems generate new problems.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book - even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the manufacturer and impossible for the serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and will cost the most.
Feb 1, 2007
funny docs
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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